Mindset

Saturday night I play hockey.

And by "play hockey" I mean I put on thirty seven pounds of bubble wrap and skates and spend an hour trying to stay vertical. Luckily I'm not totally out of my league out there - it's a shinny game with other 'hockey moms' who want to try to play too. There are several lessons to be learned from the game. The first is I have no business yelling from the stands to tell my 11 and 10 year old hockey stars how to play the game. Geez it's harder than it looks and they're amazing at it.

The lesson I learned on Saturday was a harder one to swallow. When I was in high school I played competitive sports; basketball and baseball mostly. It fit my competitive spirit, b/c everything is more fun if there's a winner and a loser. When we went to China to adopt our daughter my bestie and I declared a Utensil Challenge. I won. You do not want to attend a baby or wedding shower with me.

So what happens when I find myself on the ice?

I have to talk to myself down. Literally. I have to change the script in my head. The voice that is telling me 'go faster', 'get that' and then 'why can't you...' The same voice berated me for taking a break 'so often'. The voice isn't very nice.

I had to rethink everything. What was the point of being there? To have fun, to do some exercise. Neither of those goals required me to be the best on the ice and who cares if I sat twice before some other skater sat at all? What did it matter if someone else had better wind? Perhaps their feet didn't feel like they were walking on swords instead of gliding on ice.

There's nothing wrong with being competitive... my competitive drive has pushed me to accomplish many goals and won many jars of gummy bears. But I'm starting to figure out the whole concept of "time and place" and trying to be more gentle and forgiving with myself when I'm not quite up to snuff.

Now if I could let that wisdom trickle into other parts of my existence...

N

Fraud Police

A friend recommended the book The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer and I listened to it during our trip last winter. Pretty impressive book. At one point I had one of those moments where a fear I thought was mine alone was described and named and I realized I wasn't alone. She called it the Fraud Police. There are moments where I am sure I have fooled everyone around me to think I actually knew what I was doing, was worth their respect, was good at something. I've had it in all aspects of my life - professionally thought, "Who in their right mind gave me a real certificate to practice speech pathology?" in my parenting pretty much from "They let me leave the hospital with him?" to "I'm sure children's services will be by any minute to try and salvage this royal f*ck up of a job I'm doing".

But what it pertains to here is my writing.

What is a writer? This is what Google says:

I am the writer of three books, but that sounds suspiciously past tense.

I write books, though "job" is a strong word.

And when I'm sitting at my desk trying to write something that is stuck, or pretending to write but getting distracted by everything from cat videos to Facebook - am I still a writer? What if I stay stuck forever and never get another good book out - am I a writer then?

And what makes success? A finished book? A published book? A good review? Ten, twenty, a hundred good reviews? A best seller? I'm targeting the Nobel. They must feel pretty pleased with themselves. :)

N

Creative Drive

I've spent the past several days editing my indie pub coming out in February... Guys, I can't wait til I can share this story with you! I think it's a worthwhile, powerful story... I can't wait to hear what you think of it.

I've been dabbling in other creative activities... drawing and colouring again. I can remember always doing three things: playing baseball, writing and drawing. All three kinda went by the wayside with babies and toddlers and new companies and such, but they're creeping back in. Or pushing their way back in. I started writing again when we were adopting AnnaWen, then started in earnest with my Nov 2013 release, Game Plan. I started playing ball again last year with a great group of women who don't really care how many errors are made on the field so long as we're trying and having fun (which is really good b/c my 19 year old ballplayer self would be pretty embarrassed of my present day ball playing self). And now over the past couple of months I've started to draw again and it feels great! I'm looking at opening an Etsy shop to sell prints and am already collecting some peeps on Facebook.  Check it out!

Some may think writing and drawing are two different things... I think they're drawn from the same source of creation, of making ideas become real of giving breath to people or colours to animals and sharing those with others. It's a powerful source and I'm glad it's been forcing its way out again.

N

Worthy topics...

What makes for interesting reading?

I was talking with a friend the other night about finding places to publish and we started talking about magazine articles and creative non fiction. My initial reaction to creative non fiction is "My life's too boring to write about." That's not a bad thing. I don't have some deep dark secrets to document, I don't have huge life struggles or trying times I've overcome, I don't have dramatic life experience.

So what do I have to contribute?

My friend listed several ideas, regular everyday boring ideas that maybe aren't so boring:

being a hockey mom to girls - is it different from boys?
dealing with single parenting while Steve's away
trying to kick my sugar / carbs addiction
why I shaved my head
trying to find some new TV to watch
struggling to get back into art or sports

It's not trauma and triumph but it is daily life...

N

Love stories?

I am a sucker for a love story. I loooove chick-
flicks - you know? the predictable girl meets guy and they fall in love, then they face some obstacles in their relationship and either break up or get separated some how and the end of the movie comes with a chase of one to the other to resolve all their problems in one fowl swoop and they kiss and live happily ever after. You know those ones? Here's a few of my favourites:

And who could forget THIS moment:

We went out to see The Theory of Everything last night. I'd seen trailers and thought it was about how Stephen Hawking and his wife fell in love and faced adversity and triumphed together... Yeah. Silly me. I guess it's common knowledge that they're divorced. The movie was beautiful, the acting was phenomenal and I came away with a new appreciation of the smartest man on earth as a person... but I didn't get my fairytale chick flick.

It was real.

Real challenges, real characters, real love that grows and wanes and changes. Complicated and messy love where no one is all right and no one is all wrong. I think that's the challenge of creating a real love story, isn't it? Creating that conflict without villain-izing one or more of the characters. Imagine a love story where the love continues to exist between two people who just can't make it work?

Maybe someday I'll graduate from chick-flick fairy tale love stories into writing one of those.

N

Self Pebbling

I have no idea what 'self pebbling' is but my phone insists I forget 'self pub'ing' and try pebbling instead. This computer too. Is it a sign?

I've been talking with a friend about self publishing. I'm strongly considering it for my second book that is out on submissions. I love that story. LOVE it. And it makes me sad to think no one wants to publish it... and so far no one does, except me. So, why not?

Except every seven minutes I do an about-face and decide I should keep knocking on doors to find a perfect fit through traditional publishing. Self publishing is daunting. It's expensive. It's risky. But I've read it's rewarding and fulfilling and fun. (I don't really believe the 'fun' part). I'm not a salesperson. I'm basically the opposite of a salesperson, so how would I get the word out about a book I published?

Which of course, comes to the point... what is the point of publishing?

1. To make millions of dollars so I can buy more fun toys for the cats.
2. To become famous, a household name for generations.
3. To make an idea, a file on my computer, into a real, live, hold in your hand and sniff it book.

The first would be nice, but I'm not banking on it. The second would be horrible. The third? Seems pretty close to true. So if that's the end goal, then self pub'ing would be much more productive than self pebbling or even knocking my head against the closed and locked publisher doors.

I might just go for it.

N

PS. I have no idea what this tree has to do with 'self publishing' which is the google search under which it appeared, but isn't it pretty?

One of those moments...

So the Mooser and I went to Chapters to find some magazines (that's another story) and, as I have every other time I was in Chapters, I entered "Game Plan" into the search computer. BUT instead of saying "available to order" it said "1 available in this store". Um, what? So of course we had to go LOOK for it (which took longer than it should because my alphabetizing skills are terrible). Here it is:

How cool is that?

I mean, you could walk into Chapters in Bayer's Lake right now and buy that book! Unless someone else already bought it, in which case you can order it like before...

I was that close to buying it myself. I mean, it would be cool to have the first copy in stores, right? And maybe if I bought it they'd say "Hey, that book moved pretty quickly, we'd better order more" or something like that.

But Elliot told me to stop being lame and let's get going though not in those words. I think he said "Can we go now?" and said I shouldn't buy the book b/c it wouldn't be there for someone else, which is actually a very good point. 

SO, I left it behind in the store and left with my magazines as planned and a book for Elliot. We'll see how that goes.

N

Coffee Shop Writing

My van needed work before I drive it and three Demons to Moncton next weekend for a hockey tournament. As much as I try to prioritize M/F as 'writing days', the evil truth is it's easier to take time from non-paying job days than it is from paying job days - so Monday often gets sucked into doctor appts, kid appts, car maintenance.

This am I dropped the car off, intent on sitting in their too soft sofa with my computer and ignoring the bustle around me to get some work done... but they have a shuttle! So I asked them to shuttle me to Starbucks. Not the one in the mall, though that was my first choice. Not even the one in Chapters, b/c honestly if I were in a mall or in Chapters, I don't suspect I'd get much work done. So, I'm sitting in a teeny drive through Starbucks wondering how long I'll last before I walk across the street to Wendy's and their over sized diet Coke.

Suddenly I find myself in a snooty coffee shop with my computer on their wifi and my outline in my bag ready to start writing it out... and even though I've spent a week in Banff, I've gone through the publishing process once, I've self-pubbed a short story, I've done a book launch and booked a 3-city book tour... I feel like a writer today because I'm in an uncomfortable chair at a table that's dangerously too small for my puter and my bitter hot chocolate listening to dumb music and random conversations. And I miss my pup and kitties.

N

Now what?

I'm published! Dream accomplished!!!

Now what?

The process of getting my little story to a real life book has been one of small steps and stages over the past eleven months. Even the process of signing with FIP was done through a series of conversations, not one big moment when the contract fairy rang the doorbell with balloons. Longer processes don't make the excitement less, but it spreads it out so that feeling of shock and disbelief doesn't come with. Does that make any sense?

So for the past 11 months I've kinda gotten used to the idea that my little story was growing up to be a real live book. It's given me time to soak in the idea, to revel in the accomplishment and - here's the kicker - to ask, 'what next?'

So I've accomplished my dream of publishing a book. What happens when you've done what you've always wanted to do? You can't stop dreaming, right? You can't sit back and say 'well that's that, I've done it all.' I think for me the dream of publishing a book seemed unattainable... lofty and ambitious. So I didn't look bigger. Now that I'm sitting on that cloud in the sky I'm kinda peeking beyond it. Could my little story growed up to be a real live book actually be one people LIKE? (And not just the people who are supposed to like it) and... (gasp)... Could I do it twice?

So, while I am still spinning about the tv interview and the launch party and the overselling of books and the reviews coming in... I'm also looking at my UntitledSecondBook with a great deal of expectation.

Can't wait.

N

Indiegogo Campaign!

Here's the link to the campaign.

Here's the explanation:

I wrote Game Plan for me. It was a story that was bursting out, I wrote it on my own time. I was determined to make it 'a real novel' by publishing it, even if it meant self-publishing. If I was honest, that's what I figured would happen.

And I submitted the story to Fierce Ink Press with the mantra of "The worst that happens is they say 'no'". And guess what? They said "YES". Then I freaked out a little. It was really happening - and I didn't even know yet how lucky I was.

Fierce Ink Press works out of PEI and Halifax and focuses on local authors. They are a self described "indie" company, meaning they are small in the market of huge players. 

They might be small but they do mighty work. Their expectations for the quality of work they publish are high and the process to publication is thorough and rigorous making each publication exceptional. They have a series of short stories written with the theme that "it gets better". Sales of those shorts support causes identified by the authors and have included, Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention, Street Kids International, The IWK and SHYM /YWCA Halifax. Good stuff.

It's important for me that you know contributing to this Indiegogo campaign isn't just 'buying' Game Plan. It's supporting a small, local publishing company who have earned my great respect over and over through their work ethic, their drive for quality, their community contribution, their professionalism and respect for people. 

OH! And you can get cool stuff and watch me make a fool of myself on video.

Please consider making a contribution and/or sharing this link with your friends and contacts.

Natalie

The Most Exciting Part!

Guess what?

I saw cover designs today... mock-ups for Game Plan!

Once upon a time I was an artist who loved to draw and paint. I should do it more but I don't. I still love it though, and so the one thing that seems to make the book REAL and not just a file on my computer is a cover. A real live cover!

So the designs I saw today are ideas and starting points, there are things to tweek and change. But I was so thrilled to see them I actually had to take a second and a breath when my cursor hovered over the file name before I clicked and opened it.

Oh yeah, you don't get to see it yet, na-na-na-boo-boo!

N

Making it Happen

I tell my kids 'do your best' with everything they do - school, sports, music... all we ask of them is they try their best. Well, for now anyway, at some point we'll have to up the ante since their professional sporting careers (NHL, NBA, WNBA) are our retirement plan. But for now, do your best.

I talk with them about 'my book' and they know I'm working to make it the best it can be, and they are excited that it'll be published. (They're not all that excited to read it, Jack suggested the first chapter would be enough for him to get a good sense of what he needs to do for the cover art b/c the rest might be 'too boring'). What they haven't added up yet is that publishing a book is something I always dreamed of doing, and by putting in the work, time, effort, I am now anticipating fulfillment of that. The subliminal message I'm hoping they get is that if you want something, go do it.

On Friday I jumped off a building. Okay, I didn't really jump, I walked slowly down the side, but it was 35 stories of walking slowly down the side. I was happy my kids were there to see me go. Again, it was something I wanted to do... I faced a challenge and fulfilled a commitment.

Sure rappelling and writing are kinda different. But the message I'm hoping my kids get from it is kinda Nike-esk. Just do it. Try. Push. Step up and then don't step down.

N

Bringing home the Bacon

So I have a rather good paying day job... It's fun and challenging and rewarding most of the time. And the children don't bite. Often. Well, not daily at least.

But I love to write.

I've decided to dedicate Monday and Friday to writing - working on Game Plan, working on my second story that I'm prepping for submission, writing short stories from images and ideas that don't have a novel home, drafting a character that's been whispering... there's lots to do. I can fill my day easily without getting up from my desk. (Which is good because much of the day there's a cat in my lap and they don't like to be disturbed).

But I'm not making money.

And in the end, it seems, that occupational worth is dictated by money. It's a weird arbitrary scale where full grown boys playing baseball make more than nurses and teachers, but none-the-less a job that doesn't pay anything isn't usually seen as being worth doing.

Even my husband has learned the hard way not to ask, "You're not working tomorrow?" when he tries to confirm my week schedule. Sigh.

So I'm applying for a grant. Again. We'll see how that works out. And in the meantime I'll remind Steve that I am now a writer with a contract. And hope that someday my favourite job will help buy groceries. If not, I'm still happy to sit under my warm cat and enjoy the days poking at my computer.

N

Mind Yoga

I'm back! It feels great to be sitting quietly at my computer, giving life to my imaginary friends. I try to write on Mondays and Fridays when my kids are in school. For the past several weeks I haven't had those days - there was March Break, then a snow day, then Easter weekend, then hockey (always hockey) and I haven't had a solid writing day to work. Monday I did, and today I do (though not at my comfy MeStation desk with my cats as the car is in the shop - again).

Writing is like a drug for me... a maintenance regimen that keeps me even and calm, content. Mind yoga. When I don't have the time to write I find myself falling sullen and cranky, short with the kids, bitter to everyone else... not a good scene. SO, I'm so happy to be back.

My Publisher (like how I squeeze that in?) has Game Plan for review. I'm trying to ignore it because wondering how it's going might drive me crazy. In the meantime I'm working on preparing a second story for submission. This second story has a magnetic pull on me... it's hard to climb out of the story. I think it's the kind of story that really should be written furiously in an isolated mountain cabin; a product of a few months' obsessive effort without distraction.

N

Superpower Ring

I was blessed enough to travel to Banff in April of last year to attend a workshop at The Banff Centre. It was a phenomenal experience. I spent a week talking about writing with people who loved to write. It validated my efforts to write and made me rethink the definition of 'a writer' - could I perhaps BE one, already? Shopping in Banff I had to restrain myself because the trip was already more expensive that we could afford. But, com'on, I had to get something, right? I found a ring. It is a circular piece of ammolite set in silver - not unlike the Green Lantern's ring but way cooler. I was told that ammolite was found in the local mountains, part of ancient shells. It's iridescent, shimmering different colours depending on the angle of the light.

The ring was meant to be a souvenir of my trip, but it has become a reminder of how I felt there. It's my Writer Ring and it gives me super powers to BE a writer, not just someone who writes.

N

The beginning

Ever really want something to happen, but know it probably won't happen because it doesn't happen to people you know, just other people somewhere else? But you still do what it takes for that to happen because the end result that probably won't happen anyway is less important than the the process?

Hopefully next week I'll have written documentation that my Something just might happen after all.

N