I had two workshops today, in two different high schools in Saskatoon. I had hoped I had grown since then. I had hoped I had found out who I was, understood myself, gained confidence to be me. Nope. Walking through the halls with the chatter and loud laughs, furtive texting that's not nearly as secretive as they think... Words like 'loser' and 'geek' rumbled around in my head. And as I started talking my doubts grew - doubts in their interest in me and my talk, in my relevance and in their perception. I could actually feel myself willing to be invisible.
Don't look directly at them, whatever you do.
I could have been fifteen again - desperately searching for acceptance and reinforcement of worth from people too worried about their own image to contribute anything positive to mine. I hated that feeling way back then and was shocked to feel it again today. Except today I had to be a growed up. I pushed forward and kept talking, even called a few out when I was competing with a phone.
I think they were able to gleam something from my rambling. I did see a shift as I talked, a glimmer and a lean forward that shed their initial apathy. Then as I was packing up and bracing my fifteen year old mind for another dose of the halls, five girls approached and asked "Can we ask you a couple of questions?" Can you??? YES PLEASE! We chatted a bit more. They asked about motivation, about direction - relevant, thought out questions... they were listening!
I was so caught up in my own insecurity that I forgot how fickle perceptions can be. My perceptions of them were driven by my own anxiety, still there after all this time. I wonder how many of them felt the same way I did today. High school is tough, man, to show up there day after day and make friends, walk the halls, study and learn... they're pretty awesome if you ask me. It was such a great opportunity to see it from this point of view.
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